the difference between martyrdom and sucide is press coverage

heh saw the above title somewhere, and though i dun really agree with it, it does hold some truth...

crap. ive just been feeling abit depressed these couple of daes.....

firstly iPHO trg on sat was shite...the dance trg was fun, but i didnt realize tt we had to memorize the script for the civic district and PRESENT it to our group! so i panicked...and madly tried to start mugging in weird places...the mrt (a new mugging first!) whilst having lunch....what a bloody waste of time....when it was my turn to present, i could only smoke my way half-assed through it...barely knowing what to say, surreptiously glancing at my script in a pathetic attempt to glean more information from those unhelpful words..felt terrible. i wondered if i would get kicked out of ipho becuz of my indiscretion. apparently however, ruimin (head honcho) found it acceptable so THANK GOD

secondly, and more seriously, i've just been feeling really caged recently....like i am supposed to CONFORM to some deluded notions put forth by society in general as to how i am supposed to behave, act, think and interact with others...specifically how my "membership" in the "exclusive" medicine club affords me privileges, but somehow other people venerate/distance themselves from me when i introduce myself to them...making me feel venerated/ostracized. i hate hate hate it! i dont WANT to be DEFINED by my choice of career, i dont WANT to be JUDGED and CATEGORIZED based on my course of study...i dont WANT me and my fellow medicine classmates to be polarized into "US" and "THEM" its making me depressed as realization slowly dawns on me that most of the relationships of all kinds that i will foster in the future inevitably has its basis on the fact of what i will eventually (hopefully) become.... my life is becoming regressively one-dimentional...with my waking thoughts, actions, and interactions increasingly based on one topic only.....and its not only me! the blogs of my fellow classmates are filed with words all in the same vein too...

am i even making sense???? please dont flame me...

the only thing that i would gladly accede to being stereotyped as is an acs boy...specifically a barker boy. barker was, and still is i believe, a seminal point in my life thus far, determining who i am, and who i will be. the school is a perfect juxtapositioning of the prestige that comes with the acs branding, and the compassion that guides the school and its teachers. barker was, and is, a safety net for those who kinda fell through the gaps of the psle, and some 12 yrs after it started, the school's original mission and raison 'd etre still lives in the the lives of her students and those privileged to have passed though her portals. for she symbolizes hope...dreams....possibilities that do not end when u receive your less than stellar psle results.

i have always been part of the underdogs i think, and even now as i mix with the "big boys" in The Game, that slightly rebellious, non-conformist me always lies just below the veneer of my visage.

Serendipitous perhaps, that i have found myself in melancholy remonstrations of a fate that many would dearly love to partake of? hardly, for i know in my heart of hearts that even as i struggle along the road of self recognition, self-fufillment and the traditional markers of success.... it is all according to Gods perfect will, and his plan for my life will never be reduced to be defined by the slip of paper that for better or worse, other people will use to define me.

just a barker boy.
joshua